a transitory man

12/11/08

I’m beginning to hate you. I think that’s good. It can’t go on forever and although it’s been a month, it may have been a month in wasted agony. Nevertheless an experience and process of learning. But I think I’m moving on, as I knew I would. Does it mean that what I felt was wrong or false? No, it doesn’t. In fact it even still remains.

But I can’t.. this back and forth leaves me so unbearably unstable. You’ve given me no hope nor satisfaction. I’ve been running with this ungrounded sense of comfort, and the soft bubble implemented by my thoughts is slowly losing it’s thickness. Does it make you happy to know that? Are you even concerned? Do you debate your mental time on me, as I do you? Pessimistically I’d say no, but with this new sense of optimism I say yes. You better, the quality of my being is nothing to throw away. You know that, as circumstance says otherwise. Fate in other words, has a different direction for you and I. I’m understanding that, and in a sense accept the time I must wait for complete clarity. Know this, you left me a little broken than before. As a child I was left to find my own way and I will. Then one day you’ll come back and look for me. I don’t know if I’ll remember your presence. Whether the force you exert can extract as it did. To what age we will be when this meeting comes again is unknown. I think to you, I’ll always be a child. The little naive rebellious girl. Someone to protect and hold. Someone who gives you the comfort of your power.

I won’t feel stupid for this and in rereading this one day, I’ll know that only because this is genuine is it being expressed so freely. It’s all in relation to what we all seek. This happiness, this love. Love is deceitful though, it promises you the world giving only a taste. In one day when our paths cross again will the truth of this explanation be realized.

a darker faced patriarch in power

voting day

the dreadful day

pushed me astray

a call to calm my comfort

a round of how are you? what are you doing?

oh hey, did you vote today?

I could not believe

she questioned my civic participation

unlike los politicos

I didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear

I don’t understand you

silence

even worse

i should have told her i’m reading malatesta instead

silence

oh no, not the claims of an another apathetic youth!

the world will surely end because of people like me

judgment from the sign wavering, name shouting, sticker wearing crowd

i bet my treason was clearly visible

oh but what did I care?

I’m just another apathetic youth

succumbed to being too cool for political games

the lecture was surely coming, i could sense it

like a flock of birds after a gun shot

like the ripples of a wave from a rock

a wave of the masses

for a football game or pop concert

it was like the lines to the polls

first, it was a guilt trip

need i remind her

shame provokes no remorse

you could throw stones at this point

but be careful where you waste your energy

i explained i didnt believe in it anymore

the talking heads

the thrones

the failure of their power

why make myself feel worse?

i seek empowerment not obedience

i said they all look the same anyways

it was like generic vs. major brand

OH NO.

she loves to play devil’s advocate

it continued on both ends

neither one really listening to the arguments of the other

the questioning of faith in democracy

the rants of u.s. imperialism

the reality of the third world we create

but this is serious!

I was starting to be accused of blasphemy

from the confusion of my statements came

you know what maribel?

huh…

i don’t buy it

buy what?

as though i was promoting a new magic weight loss pill

i dont buy all this anarchist social revolution bullshit

I just don’t.

silence

well that was an insult

the shit have hiteth the fan

words of blasphemy i thought

what could i say?

oh but you should buy this

oh but i should try to sell you that

sista, i’m not trying to sell you anything

this isn’t a commodity

it’s an understanding of the world

a beautiful beautiful world

it’s not her world

or the way she’d want to see it

she said she never buy it

to throw gasoline in the fire

i mumbled something about the abolishment of private property

then it was really over

we agreed to disagree, kinda

we agreed our daily dose of politics was over

we agreed we’d rather not fight

we agreed that someday this disagreement

would mean more than the end of a phone conversation.

—In response to the one day every two years citizens are obliged to participate.
Also, for the irony lovers- Did you know there are no black people in America?